jana

this weekend was interesting. nothing really happened, but still i had a good time. I had a hell of a lot of work to do for school, but i finally finished it all about twenty minutes ago. my friend stayed over for the weekend, and we didnt really do much. listened to weezer NON STOP and went for walks to smoke. it was enjoyable. we always end up talking about really typical girly things, like boys and stupid stuff like that. it just always seems to come up.

so, to update whoever is out there. matt... i'm not interested him in any other way except sexually. thats all. i think thats all i really wanted or saw in him in the first place. so, yeah, if he ever wanted to have sex, fine with me. but i dont think i could ever really tell him anything, or have any sort of relationship with him beyond physically. however, chris is a completely different story. and thats what me and erica talked about all weekend. well, most of it anyways. i like chris a lot, and i hope that he will start talking to me some more. hes a really quiet guy, almost exactly the opposite of matt, and i'm quiet too. so two quiet people are hard to get together. i see him a lot, but i never know what to say, and i guess neither does he. i wish i could think of something really great to say, to get everything rolling, but i cant. something in chris changed at the very beginning of this past week. i dont know what, but i saw him, and he looked... beautiful. and fresh. and i dunno. ever since that day, my interest in matt has slowly lessened, and now my mind is focused on chris. he seems more attainable. more like someone who i could love, and also like. as a person. i think its more important to like your boyfriend as a person than to love him in a boyfriend-girlfriend sort of way. ya know? its important to be best friends as well as in a relationship.

well... i dont know what else to say. hopefully this week will be better than last week... last week was the longest week i have had in a really long time.

"my love is a life-taker"

(thats how i'm ending this entry. cause thats a great line... and that song is stuck in my head. "say it aint so-o-o" ok. this is it.)

�jana�

this weekend was interesting. nothing really happened, but still i had a good time. I had a hell of a lot of work to do for school, but i finally finished it all about twenty minutes ago. my friend stayed over for the weekend, and we didnt really do much. listened to weezer NON STOP and went for walks to smoke. it was enjoyable. we always end up talking about really typical girly things, like boys and stupid stuff like that. it just always seems to come up.

so, to update whoever is out there. matt... i'm not interested him in any other way except sexually. thats all. i think thats all i really wanted or saw in him in the first place. so, yeah, if he ever wanted to have sex, fine with me. but i dont think i could ever really tell him anything, or have any sort of relationship with him beyond physically. however, chris is a completely different story. and thats what me and erica talked about all weekend. well, most of it anyways. i like chris a lot, and i hope that he will start talking to me some more. hes a really quiet guy, almost exactly the opposite of matt, and i'm quiet too. so two quiet people are hard to get together. i see him a lot, but i never know what to say, and i guess neither does he. i wish i could think of something really great to say, to get everything rolling, but i cant. something in chris changed at the very beginning of this past week. i dont know what, but i saw him, and he looked... beautiful. and fresh. and i dunno. ever since that day, my interest in matt has slowly lessened, and now my mind is focused on chris. he seems more attainable. more like someone who i could love, and also like. as a person. i think its more important to like your boyfriend as a person than to love him in a boyfriend-girlfriend sort of way. ya know? its important to be best friends as well as in a relationship.

well... i dont know what else to say. hopefully this week will be better than last week... last week was the longest week i have had in a really long time.

"my love is a life-taker"

(thats how i'm ending this entry. cause thats a great line... and that song is stuck in my head. "say it aint so-o-o" ok. this is it.)

�jana�

well, its been about a week i guess. i just got the computer back from the repair place today cause my word processing program wasnt saving documents, and that wasnt good. but now its all fixed. its weird typing. i keep messing up and typing the wrong thing. i hate when i do that. i am desperately trying to get a typewriter. i just really want one. i know that doesnt make any sense, seeing as how i have a nice computer that can organize things for me and all, but i just want one so bad. i have always wanted a typewriter i think. ever since i knew what they were. i am currently rereading franny and zooey, by jd salinger. it is brilliant and wonderful, and i love it when i read good books that make me think, that let me imagine things and link those imaginary images together in a story with interesting characters. i just wish i could write as much as i enjoy reading good writing. sigh. i am so glad that its the weekend. i took yesterday off from school cause i felt crappy, so today felt like monday at class. but now i have a whole other weekend. yay. i dont have any plans this weekend, and i am sort of glad to have a rest from things. the past few weekends have been completely wonderful and crazy and extremely draining, and i need a break. i am listening to sinead o connor's i do not want what i havent got, and its wonderful. i'm listening to black boys on mopeds now, and i absolutely love this song. its one of the best on the album, in my humble opinion.

"...these are dangerous days/ to say what you feel is to make your own grave/ remember what i told you/ if you were of the world they would love you. englands not the mythical land of madame george and roses/ its the home of police who kill black boys on mopeds/ and i love my boy/ and thats why i'm leaving/ i dont want him to be aware that theres/ any such thing as grieving."

beautiful.

now comes nothing compares 2 u. its beautiful as well. my childhood best friend wrote the lyrics of this song to me when we were in a fight to say she was sorry. every time i hear this song, i think of her, and the horrible thing is, that she doesnt even remember writing these lyrics to me to say she was sorry. she has no idea that she was ever that sweet of a person. sigh.

"...nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling/ tell me baby/ where did i go wrong?/... i went to the doctor and guess what he told me/ guess what he told me/ he said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do/ but hes a fool/ cause nothing compares/ nothing compares 2 u."

sigh. certain songs just get you. you know? this is one of those songs. it can be about anyone. boyfriend, best friend, mom, dad, aunt, anyone you miss. its so relateable, and i just love it to pieces. this album is one of those albums that you just sit in your room with the lights turned off and sing to. cause its that beautiful.

alright. anyways, i will shut up now.

until next time...
�jana�

man, am i bored. i am eating bread, again, and i think i might have some more tea in a second. i just watched this dumb disney movie. i hate thursday nights. nothing exciting happens and theres never anything on tv. the movie i watched was all happy go lucky about this girl falling in love with this guy, and finally in the end, he loves her too, and they both live happily ever fucking after. movies like that make me feel like shit. they make me realize that i want something that i will never have, and they rub it in my face. i dont know how or why i always end up being interested in people that i hardly know. maybe i like the mystery there or something. but it always happens, and when i dont get them, i always end up being disappointed and sad. its ridiculous on my part, and i wish i could be interested in someone who i might have a chance in getting. sigh. i am so exhausted. even now, i am hoping and wishing that i get a chance to talk to matt this saturday at the show. cause i am a stupid dreamer, who wishes for things and never follows through with what i want. i kill myself that way, and i dont even realize when i'm doing it. i am just too hopeful. i have too much confidence in people, too much hope, too much.. everything. on the other hand though, i dont think that a conversation is too much to ask. i mean, jesus h. christ. is it? i dont think it is. i was supposed to do all this work tonight for school, but i'm just not in the mood right now. i'm probably gonna end up failing english, and geez that would suck. english used to be my best subject. what happened to that? i guess grammar happened to that. damn, i hate grammar with such a passion. oh well. my tea is boiling, and hopefully it will make me calm down a bit and feel better about things. i just wish that i could put more action to my thoughts. if i were able to do that, i think i would be a lot happier. both in school, and with people in general. i guess that will have to be one of my goals. put action to my thoughts. yeah. well. it is WAY past my bedtime, and the tea's almost whistling. so, thats it for now.

�jana�

my my, when was the last time i updated this thing? a week ago? something like that i think.. i am too lazy to actually pull up my journal and check, but i am writing anyways.

things have been going alright. i had a really great st. patrick's day weekend, and whenever i have good weekends everything seems great in my mind. plus there are more great things coming up this next saturday, so i have something to look forward to when things get down and boring.

i went to the dentist today. man, i hate that pastey stuff they give you. it always leaves this horrible taste in your mouth that wont go away when you eat. oh well.

we're starting the fourth quarter at school, and i dont think i did so hot academically during the third. i just barely passed two of my classes, and the others... i dunno. i am pretty sure that i passed.. but damn. i need to do really well this quarter to make up for my laziness last quarter. i hate it when i actually have to work. not only to make other people proud, but to make me proud of myself. its such a pain in the ass, and i always end up feeling really guilty about it when i screw up. at least i did well in all of my art classes.

i have to do a monochromatic painting by friday, and i have no idea what to do it of. hmmmmm.

the show i went to on saturday was awesome. the best one i have ever been to i think. there was a huge mosh pit, and i actually went in this time. the bands were great, and man! it was just wonderful. me and erica keep talking about it non stop, cause it was just so fucking awesome. hopefully the show this coming saturday will be just as good.

matt was there of course. i sort of hung around with him, but not exclusively in the least. he played in one of the bands, and was really good. i had a really awesome time, even if i didnt get a chance to talk to him very much or chris.

i go to therapy in about a week again. i'm starting to look forward to going. which is a good sign that its helping me i guess. its weird. cause i didnt realize how much it could help to talk to someone about all of that stuff.

theres a hell of a lot of drama going on with one of my friends. kathy. i've known her since third grade, and even though we're not real close right now, i feel bad for her, cause shes going thru a lot of crap with another one of her friends. hopefully that will get worked out, or at least she will learn to not let any of it bother her.

everything with erica and me is going alright i guess. we kind of talk and talk for short periods of time, and then we leave each other alone. which is good. i cant take too much of one person all the time. they would end up driving me nuts.

i wrote these poems today during one of my classes. theyre not that great, but, i dunno, i'm bored, and i figured i would just put them on here. you can skip over these if you like.. here it goes.


apples


its like youre a beautiful shiny red apple
that sways high up in a tree.
and then he's
an older
browner apple that bobs
up and down
up and down
near my head
where i am able to reach.
which one do i take?
but youre more than apples
youre more than i juice-filled bite
or a scream from my mouth at the sight of a worm.
youre people.
but sometimes you both seem so far away
that making you into apples
isnt such a bad idea.
at least that way
i could eat both of you
and make all of these emotions
all this hunger go away.


its not fair

in my mind
youre sitting at your desk
dreaming of me.
recalling every time
you saw my face
recalling every word i ever said to you.
but your mind is probably wandering
on thoughts and faces that i dont even know.
it might be off somewhere
dreaming.
of anothers laughter
another's beauty
and another's words.
anyone else but me.
but here i am,
sitting in my desk
dreaming of you.
and recalling every time i have seen your face
and recalling every word you ever said to me
my minds not wandering from your words
or your laughter
or your beauty
and its not fair.


yeah. well. that was my bad poetry. i hope it wasnt too painful for those of you who read that. i guess thats it for now. i will write again eventually.

�jana�

I have that song stuck in my head off of madonna's erotica. i am really liking that album. i've been listening to it just about everyday on the way home from class. well, i am trying to think of something interesting to write about......

recent problems:

my best friend, or ex best friend, or best friend on hiatus, or something, is ignoring me, and making me feel like shit. i am starting to really hate her, and i am coming to the conclusion that maybe i dont want to apologize for her mistakes this time, and that maybe i just want to not be friends anymore.

i started prozac last weekend and got a million side effects and had this huge anxiety attack. it was horrible, and i am just now starting to recover. although i still dont feel back to shape yet.

my feelings for matt are doing something weird, and i dont know what. one moment i want to cry because he doesnt see me, and then next minute i want to laugh and scream with joy because he talked to me. i'm such a mental case.

a very close friend of the family died a few nights ago. i found out yesterday from her son who called me. i miss her a lot, and i wish that i could have talked to her more recently, and really made a better connection with her. she was a really sweet woman, incredibly kind and funny, and i wish she didnt have to be gone.

good things:

i'm going to a huge show this saturday for st. patricks day and seeing a lot of friends, and watching them all get ridiculously drunk, and getting to hear really great music.

i'm going to hopefully start feeling a lot better soon due to starting this new medication. feeling better both physically and emotionally.

that guy named chris gave me the hugest grin ever today, and hopefully i will get to talk with him and or matt on saturday.

my friend erica is out with that guy that she likes, and they spent the whole day together after class, and i am so happy for her. man, i hope that something happened between them. and even if it didnt, i still think its awesome that she got such a great chance to get to know him better.

i dont have class tomorrow, so i can go downtown with erica and take pictures and maybe buy a record or two.

i made a really awesome mixed tape for a friend today, and it enabled me to listen to some music that i havent been listening to lately. some of the artists included on the tape were: the smiths, bjork, the sex pistols, black sabbath and two really awesome local punk bands.

anyways... i guess thats all for now. all i want to do right now is go lay down in front of the tv, feel good, watch a decent movie or tv show, and then have a good night's rest. until next time...

�jana�

This weekend was spent at home feeling miserable. But today I perked up and went to the library to find out the name of this wonderful movie that i am trying to buy. they showed it on tv a few times, but the damn thing isnt available on video cassette. now someone please tell me if that makes sense?! Anyways, I finally found out the name of the movie. "Looking for Alibrandi". It is wonderful and I think that I am officially obsessed with it. I go thru obession periods with certain movies every few years. A while ago it was Romeo and Juliet.. ya know.. the new one with Leonardo-whats-his-name and Claire Danes...Dazed and Confused... dont ask me what i saw in that movie...i'm only admitting to my obsession over that one right now cause no one i know has any knowledge about this journal, that way they cant make fun of me...Good Will Hunting, which i still love... The Dead Poets Society.. which I still like a lot too... American Beauty, which I think is brilliant... American History X. Which is beyond brilliant... Almost Famous... Which was great, but i guess my opinion of it has gone down cause I havent seen it since it was out in theaters. Anyways, so this new obsession, Looking for Alibrandi is only available on DVD and on audio tape. It was originally a book, so, of course, i ordered the book off of amazon and should be getting it within 3-7 business days. that will be great. but i still want the movie... it comes out in theaters in Australia on may 4th. of course it wont be coming out here though. cause america only makes movies full of crap. literally. but, i am hoping that it will be really popular in Australia, and they will make it on VHS. Everyone out there, please pray that they fucking put this movie on VHS.

okay... anyways....

onto shallow melodrama....

remember that guy named matt that i liked for a while? yeah... well. i still sort of like him. only this time i am not taking my feelings so seriously. I have absolutely NO chance with him. NONE. whatsoever. Which, i can accept, cause i never seem to have a chance with anyone that i like. I am starting to think that I do that on purpose subconsciously or something. Even though sometimes all I want is a boyfriend or whatever. Part of me thinks that a boyfriend is all I need to be happy. But then the realistic, almost feminist side of me tunes in and reminds me that no one else can make me happy. only i can do that. and if i rely on someone else to make my life great, especially at my young age, i will only get hurt and blah blah blah... but THEN... i start wondering if maybe i tell myself those second thoughts because I really am just scared to let go and really trust someone else, and let them really really know me. when I think about it... no one really knows me... I have a few close friends, and I think that one or two of them know me pretty well... but, i think, or at least I would like to think, that theres a lot more to me than I let people in on. i mean, there are things about me that I dont even know about yet. and thats some pretty scary shit.

but anyways, i got off of the subject... matt. yes. matt was the subject. hes a few years older than me. i have only talked to him a few times. nothing important came up. i'm not friends with his friends. well i mean, i have talked to them and gone places with them a few times before, but i wouldnt say that i am really friends with them. so, because i'm not friends with his friends, i dont have any way to really hang around with him exclusively... i know that nothing will happen. cause hes graduating this year, and he'll be gone, and i will probably never see him again. but, i guess i just want to get to know him a tiny bit. just one thing to let me know that hes real. and that i can have some idea, no matter how vague, that hes who i think he is. or rather... that hes who he really is, and that i was a part of one day out of his life. thats really all i want. and i dont think that's too much to ask.

then. theres this other guy. who, is pretty much as unreachable and unattainable as matt is. hes a year older than me, and i dont really know him too well either. i guess i dont like him as much as i like matt. this second guy's name is chris. hes really nice, and he talks to me sometimes, and he isnt as scary as matt is to me. but, theres something about him that makes him seem like more of a friend to me than matt. what i mean is that... with matt, i see myself being friends with him, but i could also see me being more. but with chris... i guess i see him and me being friends before i see anything else happening. theres just this huge attraction for me towards matt. and thats there in my mind with chris too. but, i guess just not as strongly.

geez. i need to shut up. i sound so amazingly shallow when i write about these sorts of things. i guess i am just trying to write about something other than really sad things. i am trying to sound like someone my age should sound. only not quite as sickening. (but in this entry i might have reached that sickening level, so my apologies to whoever is out there, if i have reached that level.)

ok. i guess thats it for now. i am going to continue listening to the smiths, and maybe go see if something decent is on tv. until next time...

�jana�

(the subject of this entry has absolutely nothing to do with what i'm going to write about. although, i do think that line is amazingly true.)

well, this weekend has been pretty great so far. lets recap, shall we?

friday during school was spent painting bathrooms all day except for a few classes where i had to take a few quizes. i really enjoy painting the schools bathrooms actually, and i get to paint and talk to people, and listen to music on the tape player that we bring in there. not a bad way to spend my day at class.

then, friday night, i went out to dinner with my family and another family who was visiting mine from new york. the other family that were visting are really nice people, and their daughter was in town looking at colleges. so, i had some good food. and! best of all! i got a job! nothing too great... working at the restaurant that we were eating at. but, the restaurant is really close to my house, about three blocks away, so its extremely convenient. i'm not sure when i start, they said they would call me sometime this week to let me know which days they need me. i dont think i will be working there too much, because lately i need a lot of time for school work and slacking off time. but, if i get a few nights in there, that will be good enough for me.

then, today, i went to the camera store to get my camera sent off to get fixed. this is really great, cause soon (3-6 weeks supposedly) i will have my camera all nice and fixed up again, and i will be able to start taking pictures, meaning, that i can learn to develope my own prints, and maybe, actually, feel like i have accomplished some artistic achievement. i also stopped at a few other places, but nothing too interesting. later on today, i went to a show downtown with a lot of friends, and saw some really good bands and had a nice time, even though it was rather cold. i got to talk to matt (oh yeah!) and a few other people that i havent had much contact with these past few months, so that was a lot of fun. Then my friend and i went to a play put on by another college here with my mom, and the family that had been visiting. The play was wonderful, and hilarious, and i cant think of any other play that was more clever and enjoyable. i was really glad that i got the oppurtunity to see that play.

so, now i am printing out salvidor dali pictures for my friend since her printer is broken, and i'm probably going to end up wasting all of my ink on her pictures. but, oh well. theyre very pretty at least.

tomorrow i plan to dedicate towards working on my paper for school, which is due this coming friday. so, i really do have to get to work on it. hopefully at some point tomorrow i will be able to get downtown to the record store for a sec, and buy a crass album. i'm not sure which to get... penis envy or feeding of the 5000. i think i will end up getting feeding of the 5000 since my friend has penis envy and i can always borrow it since shes had my record of best before for the past few months.

well, all of this printing is making my crappy compute rlow on memory. i have to close other windows to provide more of it, which means this one's got to go. so, thats it for now.

�jana�

valentines day came and went. nothing exciting or worth writing about. at least it wasnt as annoying with all the love in the air. people seemed to have calmed down about it this year for some reason.

tomorrow's friday, and i am so glad. the weeks seem to be passing faster than usual, which is good. nothing has really been going on with me these past few weeks. i have been "involving" myself with a lot more people, more diverse people, lately, which is good. nothing real important has resulted of that, but, at least i am involving myself with new people, new ideas, and everything else that somes with new people.

i am about to make myself a bagel with cream cheese. i love bagels.

i dont think i will be able to go to the out of town show this weekend, which is disappointing, but i guess i never really expected to be able to go to begin with. i need to stay home and work on my paper so that i can pass the class its for. i've never failed a class in my entire life, and i dont plan on doing so now.

my birthday is this coming monday, the 19th. i dont really have any plans. i think a few friends and i might just skip classes for the day and go around downtown together and things like that. i hope that ends up happening anyways.

lately, none of my music is satisfying to me. its really annoying cause i find myself wasting time by watching tv, instead of listening to music or doing something more productive. i go thru these phases every few months. for a while i dont like any of my music for some reason. i cant figure out what brings this on. i guess sometimes i just feel like i need a change, and that means a change in music as well. and if i cant find any new music, then i guess i just dont listen to anything at all. i hope i get out of this phase soon though, cause i need to quit relying on television so much. it makes me feel really vulnerable and stupid to base how good my day is on what episodes of Hey Arnold i see.

anyways, i'm gonna go make that bagel now. until next time...

�jana�

my weekend was a breeze. i went to the beach and to a little suburban town on friday night and came home a little after midnight. saturday, i went to my friends house to see their band practice. then today, jim, jerry, erica and i went downtown and then came back to my house to play guitar and listen to music and color in my muppet's coloring book. this weekend was pretty great. friday night was the best night though. it almost always is for some reason. tomorrow after class, jim jerry and i are going downtown to the library to get a few books and then to the record store to see if i can get tickets for the showing of dancer in the dark. i hope the movie turns out to be good after all of the trouble i have gone thru to try and get tickets for it. since my town is full of culture-less people, they arent showing the movie in the normal theaters. they had to get the films specially, and show it is in a cafe that shows "unpopular films" after they serve dinner.

my mind is slightly directed back towards matt. i talked to him for quite a while on friday during class, and he was extremely nice and really funny. i am not letting myself get as carried away with him as i did a few weeks ago. but, something is still there. its been there since last year when i started school and saw him. i dont think i will ever get over that kid. oh well. i'm not getting obsessed like i did last time though. so, thats good.

i guess theres not much else to write.... friday night theres a show downtown that i am really looking forward to, so, i have monday night and friday night, and possibly wednesday night covered and filled with plans. yeah!

thats it for now. thanks for tuning in.

�jana�